One of the most frustrating things about difficult people is that we do not have any power to change them. They push our hot buttons, and make our life unconmfortable. It is a challenge to know how to deal with them. This article has some interesting insights about dealing with difficult people

Dealing With Difficullt People – Know Any?
How to Deal With Difficult People

Difficult people. You know – those ones that push your
buttons. The ones that you’d like to haul off and slug because they so deserve
it. Not so many years ago, I used to be called Rambo, so trust me, I know
inappropriate responses. I eventually found out that using these kinds of
behaviors actually put me in a place that I didn’t want to be. I had become the
difficult person.

Do you ever feel that you continually face people
who seem to challenge every thought you have in your head or make it next to
impossible to get anything done? The truth is, we’re always going to have
difficult people in our lives. So, the trick is to minimize the aggravation,
stress and frustration that they cause us. Dealing with difficult people takes
some understanding on our part and a willingness to assume some risk as
well.

To begin with, we need to know who they are. They’re the worriers,
whiners, and wet blankets; those hot heads, bullies and show offs who are the
general kill joys of our lives. Sound like anyone you know? Maybe it’s your
ex-husband, your current wife, your neighbor, boss or coworker. It could be just
about anyone, couldn’t it? Since these interactions can pretty much happen on a
daily basis, we need to have some effective ways of dealing with
them.

Why are they like this, anyway? According to the American
Psychological Association, low self esteem is the root of these behaviors. Try
to understand that the people whom we find difficult are responding from fear
and that such harsh belligerence is actually a cover-up for their feelings of
inadequacies. Please note, however, I am not justifying their behaviors. No. Not
at all! What I am suggesting, however, is to understand that these people are in
pain and they will sometimes push off their pain on you. It doesn’t make it
right and it certainly isn’t easy, but you do not have to get into a mud
slinging contest either.

But not react? Not take things personally?
Whaddya kidding me?

Granted, there are underlying issues for these people
and it’s these issues that are the cause of poor performance and yucky
attitudes, but let’s face it; everyone is hard to get along with, under some
circumstances with some people. Even YOU! And just so you know, when you spar
with a difficult person, the difficulty is actually in your relationship. It’s
about you and how you communicate because your response changes the whole
relationship. We need to learn to look at relationships as they really are – and
there’s a big difference between reality and what you’d like reality to be. This
takes honesty with yourself, objectivity and a willingness to face things that
just might make you uncomfortable, as you learn to give up the idea of
controlling other people. Our way of thinking is just different from theirs,
that’s all.

For me, transitioning out of my RAMBO stage meant that I had
to learn that the only person I could change was ME. That’s true for all of us.
Yeah, it’s about them, but it’s about you, too.

How, then, do we deal with difficult people? To begin with, we need to listen more and talk less,
in fact, listen twice as much as you speak. Listen for areas of agreement,
acknowledge what they are saying and validate their feelings. There are two
things at stake here- the issue and their feelings. Deal with their feelings
first. Keep in mind that how you handle adversity largely determines your
success in any matter.

My suggestion in dealing with difficult people
is to first look at your role in the situation and then to try the following
tactics. You may just come out a winner!

1. Learn to take care of
yourself first. You don’t want to get sucked into their behaviors, but rather
remain calm and keep your cool. “Dignity at all costs” is the rule of thumb
here. Whatever you may be tempted to say, know it’s OK to at least think it.
Acknowledge your feelings and then let them go. Remember that you have the
element of CHOICE at all times, in terms of your own behavior. We can choose to
be silent, observe our own thoughts, wait to reply or concentrate on our
breathing. Choosing wisely develops our ability to act intelligently.

2.
Don’t argue with them. It’s pointless. Nobody wins. If you are engaging in this
behavior, ask yourself why. Is it for revenge? To show them up? To be right?
Examine your motives. When you do speak, be sure your tone is non –emotional and
non-confrontational.

3. Try to establish an immediate rapport through a
smile, eye contact or by speaking in a calm voice. You gain credibility, and
your efforts will soften those opposing you. Effective communication is
critical.

4. Step back. Respect the physical distance between
you.

5. Validate. Keep it in the “I”, by saying, “ I understand”, or
“You’ve made a good point,” or even “That’s an issue worth considering”. Then
offer your point of view, by saying “I feel …..(this way) when you……. ( do
whatever you do) because… (state the reason).” Stick to the facts, and remember:
no attack statements.

6. Boundaries. Do you have them? Do you even know
what they are? Boundaries are what we define as acceptable and unacceptable
behaviors, given society’s norms. It’s where you establish, “This is what I can
do for you and this is what I cannot do.” Boundaries allow you to understand
that you are entitled to certain things. Being treated with dignity and respect
are among them. Ah, but the other people are entitled to this as well. So, how
do you get past their nastiness?

7. Don’t take things personally. Know,
too, that not everybody will like you. Your job is to side step
confrontation.

8. Learn to admit when you’re wrong. Make amends to all
you have harmed – immediately, if possible. It can be as simple as saying “I
apologize”, or “I made a mistake”. The more you do this, the easier it
becomes.

9. Confront problems professionally and with confidence. Create
a win – win situation.

10. Finally, your own sense of self worth has to
be in tact. When you can accept and value yourself, you can accept and value
others. We are all teachers. BE the example. Become a better you as you design
your path of personal development.

I ask you then, to start right here
and right now, to be the one who begins to heal the world one person at a time.
Think the highest thought. Do the highest deed. Act today. The human race is
depending on you!

Copyright 2004 Teri Susan Karst . All Rights Reserved.


About the author: Teri Karst is a free lance
writer, corporate trainer and motivational speaker. She holds a Master’s Degree
in Education, certification in Training and Human Resource Development and is
written up in Who’s Who. She encourages and challenges audiences to step up and
take charge, promoting a culture of integrity, respect and peak performance.
Teri currently resides in South Florida..