When difficult people are around it can be challenging to keep calm, and respond appropriately. This article has advice to help you not to get worked up, and keep your cool
Habits and urges go hand in hand. In fact, many people in
the throes of an addictive behavior problem, whether it is overeating, drug use
or alcohol abuse, claim that they derive no pleasure from their habit–that it is
nothing but the relentless craving that fuels ongoing addictive behavior. What
is usually most difficult for people when changing a bad habit is coping with
the sometimes relentless urges. The initial days of a habit kicking plan can be
exhausting as urges dominate thinking and interfere with daily routine. Many
people give up change efforts because they feel that there is not way they can
function without their habit as the urges interfere too much with quality of
life.
It is important to remember that urges, in and of
themselves, are normal. We experience craving in varying degrees every day. And
because your habit has been important to you for a long time, it may be
unreasonable to expect urges to vanish completely. What is hoped is that you
will come to experience urges with less frequency and that when they are
experienced you will be able to react in a way that avoids relapse.
The “three Ds” can be helpful in coping with urges and
craving, whether these urges are related to alcohol or drug use, overeating ,
tobacco use or any habit you are attempting to change. The Ds stand for
Decatastrophizing, Disputing expectancies and Distracting.
Decatastrophizing
Especially early on in your change efforts, craving can
seem excruciating. Your daily routine has been altered by the elimination of an
important part of life and now you can’t get your mind off it. Everything you
see reminds you of your habit. If you smoke, every room you enter may bring to
mind the image of a cigarette and associated pleasure. The inability to satisfy
the urge can lead to frustration and inner statements like, “I can’t stand
this!” or “There is no way I will be able to live without giving in. I’ll just
go crazy!” Statements like this can be overwhelming. So much so that people
often give up efforts.
As is the case with anxiety, catastrophic thoughts can
lead to a great deal of arousal which can, in turn, make things seem worse than
they are. If you believe that you are completely out of control, your emotions
will follow. What is important to remember is that urges are normal and
typically decline in intensity as you continue implementing change. To combat
catastrophic reactions to urges it is important to remind yourself of times in
the past when you have successfully changed habits (think now, we all have done
so at least once or twice!). Do you still experience urges? If so, are they as
intense as during the initial phase of your change efforts? Probably not, right?
Furthermore, think about other people you have known who have undergone
significant change. Do they seem haunted by urges such that they cannot
function? If not, who is to say that you cannot accomplish that also?
Try to take some of the power away from a black and white
adjective like “horrible” or “unbearable.” Belief in horrible extremes only
makes you feel worse. Just how unbearable is your urge right now? To accurately
answer this you may need to conjure images of what other types of suffering
reported as unbearable are like. Is this as unbearable as getting stabbed in the
stomach? Or better still, what have you endured which was worse than your
current urge? Was that unbearable? If so, does it follow that your urge is less
than unbearable and perhaps only “very uncomfortable.”
Disputing Expectancies
Craving is, in essence, the activation of expectancies.
Beck and his colleagues (Cognitive Therapy of Substance Abuse, 1993, Guilford
Publications) believe that there are three beliefs associated with “the acute
decision to engage in substance abuse.” They are Anticipatory, such as “I’m
gonna be Mr. Wonderful after one line.” Relief Oriented, such as “I won’t have
to think about work if I drink this bottle of wine.” and Facilitative or
Permissive, such as , ” I’ve been good all week, I’m entitled to an evening
high.” Though Beck and his colleagues presented these fundamental beliefs in
reference to substance abuse problems, it is this author’s contention that these
beliefs can function in any habit urge.
Since we rarely think about distant consequences when
craving, bring them to mind deliberately. Bring to mind the negative emotions
which may be experienced at a later time due to engaging in your habit. Urges
are “myopic” in that they can only see advantages. You must shed some light on
your craving in order to effectively control it. Ask yourself questions
like:
* How will I feel later if I give in to my
urges?”
* What consequences might I suffer if I give
in?”
* Will the negatives outweigh the positives in the long
run if I give in?”
Another way to cope with urges is to imagine that someone
very close to you is voicing the very urge you are experiencing. How would you
go about convincing them not go give in. Sometimes distancing ourselves from our
urges is imperative before you can subject them to any scrutiny.
Your ability to conjure vivid images can be used in your
favor when you experience craving. In the presence of a strong urge, try to
imagine a very negative outcome. The more negatively graphic the better. The
more true to your life the better. For example, if you have a problem with
alcohol and experience a strong urge to walk down to the convince store and buy
a bottle of Vodka, imagine the worst hangover possible. Imagine vomiting all
morning. Better still–imagine someone very important dropping by, someone you
really want to impress, and seeing you in that condition. It is amazing how
powerful our own imagination can be in fueling and impeding behavior. Use it to
your advantage in your habit change efforts!
Distracting
Some urges are so relentless that talking back to them is
insufficient. You still can’t get your mind off your habit. Good old fashioned
distraction is sometimes the only medicine that can pull your thoughts away.
Distraction can be cognitive, in the form of some mental exercises, or
behavioral, in the form of activity. Certainly the latter is going to be the
most effective, in that urges tend to occur in environments with are the same or
similar to those in which the habit occurred in the past. If you are trying to
quit smoking, and you have previously smoked at in your office all day, being in
your office is going to elicit a strong drive to light up. Certainly if
possible, taking your work into a conference room, or taking a break and walking
outside will often be enough to decrease the urge to a manageable level. You
must evaluate your schedule and determine which situations evoke the most
intense craving and create as much flexibility as possible so that you can
“escape” if necessary–especially in the initial days of your change
efforts.
Cognitive distraction can be very powerful. Certainly
imagery has been used as a means of helping stressed people learn to relax. You
too can use imagery to take your mind off an urge which is dominating
consciousness. Conjuring a pleasant place like a beach or on a raft in a lake
can help you not only take your mind off the urge but relax as well.
However, “relaxing” images are not helpful for everyone.
Some find that if they relax when craving they will only want it more. This
makes sense as we have discussed that many habits are associated with relaxation
and pleasure, and evoking these feelings in places previously associated with
your habit can strengthen urges tremendously. I recommend that you find some
mental task that will be very difficult to finish but which is interesting and
consuming that you can activate in response to an urge. I like to refer to these
as Mental Tapes. Some examples of tapes which have been helpful are:
* Writing the perfect epic novel or
screenplay.
* Planning the perfect vacation.
* Creating the ideal money-making business
* Interpreting a dream from the night before
* picking an acquaintance and trying to “figure them
out.”
Certainly what you choose will depend on your interests,
but the key is to make it something that will be easy and perhaps interesting
and fun to do. Choosing to think about all the mistakes you’ve made this year
and how you could have done things differently is not going to prove a good
distraction tape as it won’t be enjoyable. In fact it may increase the power of
your urge, especially if stress has precipitated your habit in the
past.
It is sometimes best to try one urge control technique at
a time so that you don’t get overwhelmed. These techniques work, but they also
require a great deal of mental energy and conscious effort. The aim here is not
to make change excruciating or extraordinarily taxing, but to provide you with
some tools which you can add to your armory at a your own pace.
by Robert Westermeyer, Ph.D.
http://iamnotthenewme.wordpress.com/2007/11/18/dealing-with-urges/