Published by admin on 29 Jan 2008
How do you recognize the Know it All, and how do you deal with this type of difficult person?
Dealing with Difficult People: The IEOE
You can find difficult people everywhere. Sometimes we work with them, sometimes we play with them, and sometimes we even live with them.
I call the difficult people in life the Bozos of life. If you let them, they can ruin your day, or worse.
There’s the key phrase, if you let them.
Published by admin on 25 Jan 2008
It is difficult to know what to do when friends ask you for money. Here are some tips to help you deal with this difficult situation
Do you often find yourself trying to resolve the financial difficulties of your friends and relatives? From personal experience, I know this is a difficult situation. At times, it can seem more difficult than solving our own financial problems.
There is no right way to deal with the financial problems of other people. It will depends on the nature of your relationship with them. However, here are a number of suggestions to bear in mind.
1. Should I lend money to my friends?
“Neither a borrower nor a lender be; For loan oft loses both itself and friend,”
- LORD POLONIUS: From Shakespeare’s Hamlet, 1603
Lending money to friends and family is a potentially awkward situation and can be the source of conflict in a relationship. Before lending money to friends, ask yourself these questions:
Published by admin on 23 Jan 2008
Confidence is a small word, which can make a BIG difference in our lives. Not all of us were born with the quality to step up in front of a crowd and regale them with our speeches; not many of us have the courage to take on a new task unfazed. Remember how you trembled when you were reading out the prayer in the school assembly? Remember how awkward you felt when you were asked to say Grace at the Thanksgiving Dinner? Remember how you stuttered every time your first date asked you a question?
Hypnotherapy / hypnosis is one of the most effective ways of boosting your confidence and self-esteem. Hypnotherapy for the lack of self confidence seeks to address what’s causing the low self confidence. The same can be said of treatment with hypnotherapy for low self esteem. A lack of self confidence and self esteem can have a variety of causes, but by far the most common, we have found, is a social anxiety (social phobia). Hypnotherapy (hypno analysis) can help with increasing self confidence and self esteem. Treatment using hypnotherapy for increasing self confidence and self esteem, can give very rewarding and satisfying results. Conversational hypnosis is one of the best techniques out there. It makes you feel much better and helps you understand how to make yourself more effective. Find more information about it here – Conversational Hypnosis Review.If you suffer with a lack of self confidence, or a lack of self esteem,, and especially if it’s causing problems in your life, and you want to improve your self confidence, then don’t suffer in silence. Take action now!
Published by admin on 21 Jan 2008
Tricky stuff, dealing with difficult people. So we avoid doing it, in the short-term, it’s way easier than confrontation. Want some examples of evasiveness?
- Leave it till the end of the day.
- Make sympathetic noises with what other people are experiencing at the hands of the person – but do little.
- Only see what they are very good at and ‘park’ the rest.
- Promote them out of your team.
- Think it’s you, not them!
…etc., etc., etc.
From their point of view, and we know there can be some real stinkers out there, they often don’t realise that their behaviour is unacceptable. This is a do-able issue – be brave at first and it will always be with you.
Some have cracked the code and the best at dealing with difficult people…
Communicate Well
They listen well and let the other party do a lot of the talking. They ask open questions and allowing a lot of space. This is a space for the difficult person.
Act Normally
When working with a ‘difficult person’, those who handle it will treat them very normally. They don’t avoid them, nor do they behave differently than they would with anyone else.
Seek to Understand
The best exponents of this skill appreciate the ‘difficult person’s’ point of view. They recognise that issues are real to them and honour that.
Behaviour is not Personal
They make sure that they treat the issue as unacceptable behaviour, not a ‘bad’ person. The ‘difficult person’ does not have a personal issue usually with those who deal with them, they are difficult with everyone!
Understand Fear
‘Difficult people’ behave the way they do usually out of some sort of fear. Through building a better relationship with them the best at Dealing with Difficult People are able to get closer to the source and hence move towards resolution.
Small Things
Sometimes they are able to find simple and easy clues to what is irritating the ‘difficult person’. And then they fairly and reasonably fix the problems – they are even able sometimes to create a champion out of a ‘difficult person’!.
Build Trust
Those best at Dealing with Difficult People develop a sense of trust with their ‘difficult person’. Often the behaviour of others will have tainted their experiences and cause serious mistrust. This can be changed.
Find a Solution
When you are very capable of Dealing with Difficult People it is sometimes the simple acts which have the most effect. Just asking them what it is they want can often be an easy solution. It’s just that no-one ever asked before!
Help Them
And often all these difficult people want is to be loved, to feel wanted, to be a part of the team again. It’s a natural emotion which works in the favour of those exponents who do a great job here. They know that emotional buy-in is a great way forward.
Recognise Qualities
Every employee is a valuable asset, whatever they are like. Sometimes the most irritating and vociferous are the best to have on the team – they are energised.
And the very, very best in Dealing with Difficult People are able to turn their people around and enlist them as a strong advocate of their organisation. Instead of fighting inside they take on the competition!
The first step, trust me, is the worst!
by Martin Haworth
(c) 2007
Coaching Businesses To Success. Martin Haworth is a Business and
Management Coach. For a free e-course contact cbts01@aweber.com. More? There are hundreds of hints, tips and ideas at his website, http://www.coaching-businesses-to-success.com/
Published by admin on 17 Jan 2008
1. Don’t get Hooked !!!
When people behave towards you in a manner that makes you feel angry, frustrated or annoyed – this is known as a Hook.
We can even become “Hooked” by the way people look, how they talk, how they smell and even by their general demeanour.
If we take the bait then we are allowing the other person to control our behaviour. This can then result in an unproductive response.
We have a choice whether we decided to get hooked or stay unhooked.
Published by admin on 13 Jan 2008
When difficult people are around it can be challenging to keep calm, and respond appropriately. This article has advice to help you not to get worked up, and keep your cool
Habits and urges go hand in hand. In fact, many people in
the throes of an addictive behavior problem, whether it is overeating, drug use
or alcohol abuse, claim that they derive no pleasure from their habit–that it is
nothing but the relentless craving that fuels ongoing addictive behavior. What
is usually most difficult for people when changing a bad habit is coping with
the sometimes relentless urges. The initial days of a habit kicking plan can be
exhausting as urges dominate thinking and interfere with daily routine. Many
people give up change efforts because they feel that there is not way they can
function without their habit as the urges interfere too much with quality of
life.
It is important to remember that urges, in and of
themselves, are normal. We experience craving in varying degrees every day. And
because your habit has been important to you for a long time, it may be
unreasonable to expect urges to vanish completely. What is hoped is that you
will come to experience urges with less frequency and that when they are
experienced you will be able to react in a way that avoids relapse.
The “three Ds” can be helpful in coping with urges and
craving, whether these urges are related to alcohol or drug use, overeating ,
tobacco use or any habit you are attempting to change. The Ds stand for
Decatastrophizing, Disputing expectancies and Distracting.
Decatastrophizing
Especially early on in your change efforts, craving can
seem excruciating. Your daily routine has been altered by the elimination of an
important part of life and now you can’t get your mind off it. Everything you
see reminds you of your habit. If you smoke, every room you enter may bring to
mind the image of a cigarette and associated pleasure. The inability to satisfy
the urge can lead to frustration and inner statements like, “I can’t stand
this!” or “There is no way I will be able to live without giving in. I’ll just
go crazy!” Statements like this can be overwhelming. So much so that people
often give up efforts.
As is the case with anxiety, catastrophic thoughts can
lead to a great deal of arousal which can, in turn, make things seem worse than
they are. If you believe that you are completely out of control, your emotions
will follow. What is important to remember is that urges are normal and
typically decline in intensity as you continue implementing change. To combat
catastrophic reactions to urges it is important to remind yourself of times in
the past when you have successfully changed habits (think now, we all have done
so at least once or twice!). Do you still experience urges? If so, are they as
intense as during the initial phase of your change efforts? Probably not, right?
Furthermore, think about other people you have known who have undergone
significant change. Do they seem haunted by urges such that they cannot
function? If not, who is to say that you cannot accomplish that also?
Try to take some of the power away from a black and white
adjective like “horrible” or “unbearable.” Belief in horrible extremes only
makes you feel worse. Just how unbearable is your urge right now? To accurately
answer this you may need to conjure images of what other types of suffering
reported as unbearable are like. Is this as unbearable as getting stabbed in the
stomach? Or better still, what have you endured which was worse than your
current urge? Was that unbearable? If so, does it follow that your urge is less
than unbearable and perhaps only “very uncomfortable.”
Disputing Expectancies
Craving is, in essence, the activation of expectancies.
Beck and his colleagues (Cognitive Therapy of Substance Abuse, 1993, Guilford
Publications) believe that there are three beliefs associated with “the acute
decision to engage in substance abuse.” They are Anticipatory, such as “I’m
gonna be Mr. Wonderful after one line.” Relief Oriented, such as “I won’t have
to think about work if I drink this bottle of wine.” and Facilitative or
Permissive, such as , ” I’ve been good all week, I’m entitled to an evening
high.” Though Beck and his colleagues presented these fundamental beliefs in
reference to substance abuse problems, it is this author’s contention that these
beliefs can function in any habit urge.
Since we rarely think about distant consequences when
craving, bring them to mind deliberately. Bring to mind the negative emotions
which may be experienced at a later time due to engaging in your habit. Urges
are “myopic” in that they can only see advantages. You must shed some light on
your craving in order to effectively control it. Ask yourself questions
like:
* How will I feel later if I give in to my
urges?”
* What consequences might I suffer if I give
in?”
* Will the negatives outweigh the positives in the long
run if I give in?”
Another way to cope with urges is to imagine that someone
very close to you is voicing the very urge you are experiencing. How would you
go about convincing them not go give in. Sometimes distancing ourselves from our
urges is imperative before you can subject them to any scrutiny.
Your ability to conjure vivid images can be used in your
favor when you experience craving. In the presence of a strong urge, try to
imagine a very negative outcome. The more negatively graphic the better. The
more true to your life the better. For example, if you have a problem with
alcohol and experience a strong urge to walk down to the convince store and buy
a bottle of Vodka, imagine the worst hangover possible. Imagine vomiting all
morning. Better still–imagine someone very important dropping by, someone you
really want to impress, and seeing you in that condition. It is amazing how
powerful our own imagination can be in fueling and impeding behavior. Use it to
your advantage in your habit change efforts!
Distracting
Some urges are so relentless that talking back to them is
insufficient. You still can’t get your mind off your habit. Good old fashioned
distraction is sometimes the only medicine that can pull your thoughts away.
Distraction can be cognitive, in the form of some mental exercises, or
behavioral, in the form of activity. Certainly the latter is going to be the
most effective, in that urges tend to occur in environments with are the same or
similar to those in which the habit occurred in the past. If you are trying to
quit smoking, and you have previously smoked at in your office all day, being in
your office is going to elicit a strong drive to light up. Certainly if
possible, taking your work into a conference room, or taking a break and walking
outside will often be enough to decrease the urge to a manageable level. You
must evaluate your schedule and determine which situations evoke the most
intense craving and create as much flexibility as possible so that you can
“escape” if necessary–especially in the initial days of your change
efforts.
Cognitive distraction can be very powerful. Certainly
imagery has been used as a means of helping stressed people learn to relax. You
too can use imagery to take your mind off an urge which is dominating
consciousness. Conjuring a pleasant place like a beach or on a raft in a lake
can help you not only take your mind off the urge but relax as well.
However, “relaxing” images are not helpful for everyone.
Some find that if they relax when craving they will only want it more. This
makes sense as we have discussed that many habits are associated with relaxation
and pleasure, and evoking these feelings in places previously associated with
your habit can strengthen urges tremendously. I recommend that you find some
mental task that will be very difficult to finish but which is interesting and
consuming that you can activate in response to an urge. I like to refer to these
as Mental Tapes. Some examples of tapes which have been helpful are:
* Writing the perfect epic novel or
screenplay.
* Planning the perfect vacation.
* Creating the ideal money-making business
* Interpreting a dream from the night before
* picking an acquaintance and trying to “figure them
out.”
Certainly what you choose will depend on your interests,
but the key is to make it something that will be easy and perhaps interesting
and fun to do. Choosing to think about all the mistakes you’ve made this year
and how you could have done things differently is not going to prove a good
distraction tape as it won’t be enjoyable. In fact it may increase the power of
your urge, especially if stress has precipitated your habit in the
past.
It is sometimes best to try one urge control technique at
a time so that you don’t get overwhelmed. These techniques work, but they also
require a great deal of mental energy and conscious effort. The aim here is not
to make change excruciating or extraordinarily taxing, but to provide you with
some tools which you can add to your armory at a your own pace.
Published by admin on 11 Jan 2008
7 Effective ways for Dealing with Difficult People
Life will always present us with awkward, difficult people; and unless you want to live in a Himalayan cave you will have to learn how to deal with these people. We should not let difficult people, spoil our inner equanimity; with the right attitude we can maintain our peace of mind even when dealing with unpleasant people. These are some suggestions for dealing with awkward people.
1. Don’t Think about Them All the Time
Sometimes when people cause us difficulties they start to dominate our thoughts; this makes their presence seem very close. However, it is best to think about them as little as possible. Instead, concentrate on things and people who inspire you. Thinking about difficult people is not going to change how they behave, but it will cause us unhappiness.
Published by admin on 09 Jan 2008
Working with difficult people every day can be very trying and challenging. Here are some tips to help you deal with difficult colleagues.
4 Ways to Cope with Difficult Colleagues
Do you find yourself having to deal with a difficult person in your office? Do you feel that they are overbearing and don’t know when to keep their opinions to themselves? Do they make inappropriate comments in a professional environment?
In my previous jobs, which I’d rather not mention, I had to deal with these types of personalities. At times, I would think to myself, “If I could only talk to them.” or “I wish I could quit!”
Published by admin on 07 Jan 2008
This is a creative example of how to deal with difficult people when they are customers.
On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating. “What seems to be the problem, Madam?” asked the attendant.
Published by admin on 06 Jan 2008
Communicating with difficult people when they are emotionally charged can be very challenging. Here are some tips to help you deal with conflicts involving difficult people.
7 Tips for Resolving Conflicts Quickly and Peacefully
Everyone has to deal with difficult people, whether they are argumentative,
abusive, stubborn, or combative. The question is, how can you assert your own
rights without creating an unnecessary incident?
In most cases, angry people are screaming to be heard. They
want to be valued, loved, and listened to. They want to feel important but
aren’t able to express themselves constructively. With the right attitude, it’s
possible to get past these insecurities and reach an understanding.
These 7 strategies will help you setting disputes quickly and peacefully for
the benefit of everyone involved:
1. Remain calm. Be still and say nothing. Let the storm run
its course. Often times the angry person wants to provoke you. Arguing is
ineffective because it raises barriers. Consider how I handled the
href="http://adversityuniversity.blogspot.com/2006/06/adversity-at-barber-shop.html"
target=_blank>barber situation.
2. Let the other person do the talking. He or she will soon
grow tired of it. Sometimes that’s all they want. To be heard. To
feel important. Everyone wants to feel important. Some people just express
it in ways that are counterproductive.
3. Genuinely consider the other person’s point of view.
Imagine yourself in his shoes. Never say “you’re wrong.” In fact, try hard to
look for areas of agreement and build on them.
4. There’s power in the words “Yes, yes, I see exactly what you’re
saying. You mean…….” This shows the other person you hear him/her.
That’s all they usually want — to be validated. By agreeing with them, you
gradually break down the other person’s anger.
5. If the situation turns verbally abusive, put a stop to
it. Firmly but calmly state: “You’re very angry right now and you’re
saying things you don’t mean (give them the benefit of the doubt). I’m going to
excuse myself. We can talk again after you calm down.” Then leave the room or
ask them to leave.
6. If you are wrong, quickly admit it and take
responsibility. You could say, “You’re absolutely right, it is my fault
and here is what I’ll do to fix it.” Even if you’re NOT wrong, at least give
them the benefit of the doubt, “I may be wrong, let’s look at the facts
together.” It’s hard to argue with that!
These words have tremendous power. Not only does it validate the other
person’s viewpoint but it also diffuses the tension. You might be surprised by
what happens afterwards. The person could end up defending you. You’d be amazed
how an attacker suddenly becomes an ally.
7. Use the power of visualization. If you’re dealing with
someone you interact with on a daily basis (like a boss or co-worker), try to
imagine that person as a loving spiritual being. I did this with a boss I had at
a Wall Street bank several years ago. He was an absolute tyrant and gave
everyone a hard time. In retrospect, he was clearly unhappy and insecure.
One day I started to visualize him as a loving grandfather. When he was in a
good mood, he would lovingly talk about his grandchildren. His eyes and face
would light up with incredible joy, leading me to realize there was a
softhearted man behind the hard facade. Every morning before going to work, I
imagined him romping around in the backyard on a warm, breezy day with his
grandkids squealing and laughing with delight.
Long story short, this man promoted me almost 1 year later, in no small part
due to the power of visualization. No one can dispute that this works because
I’ve lived to tell the story. I’ve used it win trips to Mexico and Bermuda
(sales contests at Merrill Lynch), to forgive those who have hurt me, to become
the world’s first deaf instrument pilot, and to give powerful presentations.
Food for thought: Think about how you’ve dealt with
difficult people in the past. Were you tempted to prove them wrong, trying to
save face? Were you able to see through the facade and recognize that all they
want is to be heard, loved and validated? Have you tried the power of
visualization?